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Restoring marriage takes focus

Web posted May 5, 1998

From the editors of The Ladies Home Journal

"Jim wants me to marry him again,'' says Penny, 42, a striking redhead and mother of two grown children, Bob, 23, and Scott, 22. "He hasn't had a drink for the past two years, but I can't forget the nightmare that was my marriage.''

Jim was drunk every night and, eventually, during the day, too. And when he drank he was sarcastic, surly and domineering. He had affairs he didn't even have the decency to hide.

"Why did I stay with him so long?'' she asks. "Because, when he was sober, he was the sweet, romantic man I first fell in love with when I was 18."

"We had big plans for our future,'' she recalls. "Jim was studying hotel and restaurant management and couldn't wait to open his own restaurant.''

And, for the first 12 years of their marriage, those dreams seemed to be coming true. Jim was the owner of a popular restaurant and a fun-loving and attentive father. "He'd drink, but only in the evening, and he'd get kind of mellow, not mean,'' Penny says.

Soon, Jim started drinking at lunch, and he began losing employees. They complained that he was rude and impossible. Business dropped off, and Jim lost the restaurant. Penny was forced to find a job as a receptionist to make ends meet. Though Jim told everyone that he was working from home as a consultant, he was really sitting in front of the television, drinking; when Penny and the boys came home, he'd rant and rave at them.

"One day, my older son told me, 'Mom, people treat their dogs better than Dad treats you. Get a divorce.' It was the jolt I needed,'' Penny remembers.

Penny filed for divorce and put the house on the market, but before she could move out her car was rear-ended. Penny ended up in the emergency room with a severely sprained back. The first person she called was Jim.

"He was there in a flash,'' she says, "and for the next few months he waited on me hand and foot, taking me to physical therapy and doing all the things around the house that he'd never done before.''

The accident proved a turning point for their marriage: "Jim has been a different person ever since,'' she says. "He's attentive. He's not drinking, and he's working again managing a small restaurant.'' Jim wants to remarry and, though part of Penny wants to, she's scared. "I can't forget those miserable years,'' she says. "Will I ever be able to forgive and forget?''

Jim, 45, knows he's been a fool, but he also believes God has given him a second chance. "I haven't had a drink in two years,'' he says. "Isn't that proof that I'm on the wagon for good?''

More than anything else, Jim says, he wants to bring his family back together. He never had a normal family life himself -- his parents divorced when he was 3, and he was raised by his aunt.

"I always pictured a Norman Rockwell-type family, but I never knew how to set the wheels in motion,'' he says. Nothing, he insists, could make him go back to his old ways -- why can't he convince Penny of that?

Restoring broken trust

"Penny's fear that Jim may revert to his old behavior is understandable,'' says Hermina C. Baker, a marital therapist in Utica, Mich. "For years, she had sheltered him from responsibility and, in effect, allowed him to continue to drink. What she calls a miracle was in truth a matter of Jim's being forced to assume the role of caretaker -- emotionally and physically -- in their relationship.

"Penny, too, must be on guard not to fall into old patterns. While Penny will never forget the bad years -- in fact, she shouldn't, since they serve as a lesson for both of them -- they don't have to mean the end of a marriage.''

The following helped Penny forgive Jim so they could work together toward rebuilding their marriage:

[z]n[] Remember that forgiveness is a conscious decision to go beyond betrayal and heal old wounds. By forgiving, you make a statement -- to yourself and others -- that you will no longer remain in the grip of the past. Forgiveness can be accomplished as long as there is a sincere expression of remorse and a consistent and lasting behavior change.

[z]n[] Seek expert counseling if alcohol or drugs are involved. Although Jim refused to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, insisting he wasn't a joiner, Penny and her sons sought out Al-Anon. These organizations, with chapters, across the country, can help family members understand why a person drinks and how to handle the situation.

[z]n[] Stay focused on the present. Try not to dwell on old war wounds and past history. When conflict does arise, address current issues.

[z]n[] Acknowledge and support small efforts. Change doesn't always happen overnight. Don't belittle small improvements. If you are hoping to forgive, you must never fall into the trap of thinking, "This is too little too late.''

[z]n[] Resist the temptation to blame yourself for what happened. Penny was not responsible for Jim's behavior. Putting herself down in any way for the past only gets in the way of forgiving him now.

From the editors Ladies' Home Journal