Inflation is when you pay $15 for the $10 haircut you used to get for $5 when you had hair.

-- Sam Ewing

We had a front-page story last week that mentioned a run on the "Forever" stamps -- you know, the ones the post office vows to keep accepting for postage, even if you paid only 41 cents for them.

You can thank me for the rise in sales.

I'm the one who's been riding around town asking desk clerks to sell me all of their Forever stamps before May 12 -- when the price goes up.

My plan is simple.

I am going to take my hoard of stamps, put them away in the safety deposit box like savings bonds, then one day when the rest of you are paying $4 to mail a water bill, I'll be doing the same at a tenth the cost.

I shared this brilliant financial strategy with my wife, in hopes she might let me invest the government rebate check George Bush is mailing out this month.

She declined, suggesting that investing in lottery tickets -- my previous retirement scheme -- had a better chance of securing a comfortable old age.

Laugh now. In a few decades I'll be the one sending you postcards at the nursing home from my luxury estate on the ocean's coast.

You'll know they're from me when you read the smug message on the card and see the canceled Forever stamp on the corner.

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WE LOVE OUR PETS: Our old friend Seth Benson is back, and he shares this reminder of the Ten Commandments for a Responsible Pet Owner.

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainments, but I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand and yet I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself whether something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, or I have been in the sun too long or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too will grow old.

10. On the difficult journey, the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there because I love you so.

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TODAY'S JOKE: A man came home to an empty house and decided he might as well start dinner. First, he would make a salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator half full of Kool-Aid.

"Who on earth put Kool-Aid in a bowl?" he asked himself.

He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and, using a funnel, transferred the Kool-Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.

Later, his wife came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the refrigerator, when he suddenly heard her shout, "Who on earth put Jell-O in these pop bottles?"