Having a party at home brings its own set of issues. Like, what to wear, what to eat and how to ensure that the guests clear out immediately after the best picture winner is announced.

Drawing inspiration from the year's nominated movies and performances, we've assembled a complete guide to hosting an Oscar party. But, as everyone from Whoopi Goldberg to Joan Rivers to Russell Crowe will tell you, the real key to a successful Oscar party is an irreverent attitude. OK, Crowe probably wouldn't say that, but you get the point.

WHAT TO WEAR

Men: Gandalf's woolen robes from "The Lord of the Rings" flatter every physique. (For best results with this costume, stop shaving now.)

Women (and very brave men): Either Emily Watson's housekeeper's uniform from "Gosford Park" or the sparkly body suit worn by Nicole Kidman's consumptive courtesan in "Moulin Rouge." Both outfits promise fun after the party.

Kids: Most youngsters will be hobbits, of course, but artistic tots will insist on dressing as Toulouse-Lautrec, the diminutive dandy from "Moulin Rouge."

WHAT TO EAT

Starter: Blue soup from "Bridget Jones's Diary." How you make it blue is your business.

Entree: Hot dogs and burgers from the barbecue, a la "In the Bedroom." Hey, Gandalfs, watch those beards around the grill!

Dessert: Chocolate ice cream, eaten with a plastic spoon, and coffee, just as waitress Halle Berry serves it to Billy Bob Thornton in "Monster's Ball." .

WHAT TO DRINK

Beer goes great with barbecue, but the "Gosford" snobs like their champagne.

The mind-bending absinthe from "Moulin Rouge" provides a real kick. Rather than choose, toast Bridget Jones and chug it all. .

WHEN TO DRINK

Every time an award winner thanks "Robin and my team at AMM" or other people the public can't possibly recognize. It's a guaranteed buzz.

Every time a winner commends the "vision" of an actor, director, producer, agent, hairstylist, etc.

Every time Whoopi Goldberg accidentally/on purpose lets out a swear word so she'll sound "edgy."

WHERE TO WATCH

Spend at least part of the telecast "In the Bedroom," in frosty silence with your spouse/wife/partner.

"Gosford" parties only: Half the guests lounge in the "parlor" while the other half are below stairs, preparing hors d'oeuvres and making catty remarks about their "masters." Then everybody meets in the stairwell to have sex. .

PARTY FAVORS

Rings.

Cigarettes from "Bridget Jones's Diary."

A police badge worn on a chain around the neck, like Denzel Washington's in "Training Day." That and yelling, "King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!" will allow you to hog the onion dip with impunity.

For the winner of the Oscar pool, a weekend getaway with the college roommate and little girl from "A Beautiful Mind." Runner-up gets an abacus. .

ETIQUETTE<P> - DO

Engage in wild speculation about what really broke up Tom and Nicole. Was it his imperfect bite?

Try to guess the true ages of the actresses. (Rule of thumb: Add three years.)

Study Halle Berry's reactions. She's one of the few in Hollywood with genuine emotions.

- DON'T

Attend a party thrown by a straight man (unless it's a "Lord of the Rings" party). They only pretend to care about fashion.

Clap more for some dead people than for others when the "In Memoriam" credits roll. That's just mean.

(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.shns.com.)