Asiago pinwheels or pesto ricotta tarts? Burnt lilies or mini gerberas ? Invitations with or without vellum overlay?
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No, I'm not talking gibberish. I'm talking "wedding," which is a separate language all its own.
Faced with breaking the Guinness World Record for the longest engagement, my fiance and I finally set a spring date for our wedding.
I never realized how interested people are in weddings. Let me qualify that. I never realized how interested women are in weddings. My fiance's friends are not badgering him with such questions as, "Vest or cummerbund? What shoes will you wear with your suit? Rose or carnation for your boutonniere?"
I, on the other hand, could announce that I'd won the Nobel Peace Prize, and my female friends and relatives would interrupt by saying, "Will you be wearing your hair up or down?"
I was completely unprepared to be flung into the alien world of wedding planning. The trouble with weddings is they are ruled by pesky traditions. Try to defy even one tradition by casually suggesting you e-mail the invitations and you will hear loud protests from the wedding police (a lso known as my mother).
OK , wedding invitations. No big thing. Right? Wrong! Wedding invitations are a huge thing. You could get your post doctorate in wedding invitations and still not fully understand all of their thorny little nuances. In fact, I exhausted more energy on choosing my invitations than choosing my fiance.
You have to pick a color, text style and accents. Do you want that tissue paper thing or a satin bow? What theme? Two Doves One Love or Floral Fantasy? Pew cards? Reply cards? Embossing or engraving?
"What about a cake?" my mother recently asked.
"Cake?" I exclaimed. "We're blowing the bank on dozens of Moroccan chutney meatballs. These people expect dessert, too?"
Maybe I shouldn't get started on cakes.
"What shoes will you wear with your gown?" an old family friend asked.
Finally a question I could answer.
"Well, my dress is blue... excuse me, teal. so I thought I'd match the gown with shoes."
"You can't do that!" she insisted. "Nobody matches the shoes to the gown anymore!"
Who knew? Actually, bride magazines probably point these things out, but I've refused to read them for two reasons.
1. Where is Modern Groom magazine? Why shouldn't men have to suffer through articles such as "Flowers with Flair" or "Make the Most Out of Monograms."
2. Wedding magazines cater to the young, blushing bride instead of the Botox bride. Older brides need an articles such as "10 Gowns That Look Ravishing with Reading Glasses," "Groom's Ear Hair: Should He Trim for the Big Day?" or "How to Say Awake for your Honeymoon."
All these daunting decisions, and the bride and groom don't get to enjoy the wedding. They're continually whisked away for photographs, staged to look as though they're having a roaring good time, even though they haven't had a thimbleful of champagne or a nibble of a meatball.
My mother's on the phone again, going on about frosting and sugar flowers. What in the world did we ever talk about before this wedding?
"Yes, mother," I say, knowing there's no point in protesting. "Let them eat cake."
Augusta resident Karin Gillespie is the author of Bet Your Bottom Dollar. Reached through her Web site, www.karingillespie.com.
