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Web posted January 23, 1997

Editor, The Chronicle

The worst Army scandal involves sexual harassment on a massive scale. Thousands of women are coming forward with allegations that they were sexually abused by male officers. The officials appear to be diligent in finding and punishing the guilty; however, the widespread nature of occurrences suggest that a more radical solution is called for: banning heterosexuals from military service altogether.

Greek mythology contains references to the Amazons, ferocious women warriors. The army of ancient Greece included the Theban band, a group of gay men paired with their lovers, whose courage so impressed Alexander the Great that he wept when his own military force vanquished them.

The military, however, is not the only U.S. institution facing a heterosexual problem. We have learned that a top officer of the Central Intelligence Agency, Harold Nicholson, has been arrested for selling secrets to the Russians to finance his relationship with a younger woman. Likewise, CIA agent Aldrich Ames sold secrets. He was motivated by his wife's lavish demands.

Since heterosexuals' uncontrollable propensities and decadent habits make them easy prey for Russia's secret service, they should be barred from working for the CIA. The next step would be to hold hearings to see if there are heterosexuals in the State Department.

Of course, this is a tongue-in-cheek look at our national security problems, but with numerous federal judges around the U.S. reviewing the ``don't ask, don't tell'' policy maybe it's time for an honest answer to the question: What will lesbians and gay men do that will be more detrimental to morale and security than this?

Morgan Eubanks, Augusta