Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

Sometimes, junk mail is worth a chuckle

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Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.

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– Friedrich von Schiller

I know I’m old-fashioned, but I still like getting mail.

Maybe because it’s entertaining.

Take a couple of weeks ago, when I got a nice letter from the national office of my college fraternity. It asked me to remember those good times of my university days four decades ago. They were very good times.

They suggested I might want to help today’s young students back at the old fraternity house with a scholarship donation.

I laughed and threw it away.

And a few weeks later, they sent another letter with an apology.

It seems they had forgotten that they had closed my fraternity’s chapter, and were sorry for saying it was still open. They blamed the mass mailing vendor hired for such junk-mail solicitations.

And I laughed again.

My college fraternity’s chapter was shut down in the 1980s, not because it had hazed a young pledge or harmed a young woman or had anyone arrested.

We didn’t do things like that.

No, as I recall, a surprise inspection by the national fraternity in the 1980s discovered alcohol stored on the premises, not illegal, but against a new national guideline at the time.

“It’s a fraternity house,” one old alumnus said, “not a seminary.”

They sold the property to the university, put the money in the bank, and haven’t been so generous to the national office.

That’s probably why they’re sending out form letters asking for money.

MAIL BONDING: My son’s not in a fraternity, but he is away at college, and he gets mail, too.

I’ve got one letter here from a cremation service.

“With everyone moving around these days,” the brochure reads, “placing a loved one in a ‘local’ cemetery may not be as functional as it used to be.”

Now, I’m not sure how a college student ends up on the mailing list for a cremation service.

Maybe it’s those darn mass mailing vendors again. (See above.)

Or maybe they think he might be trying to figure out how he’s going to pay for burying his elderly dad.

(Here’s a hint: He’s probably not thinking that far ahead.)

TODAY’S JOKE: Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!”

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harmony123
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harmony123 05/09/14 - 01:23 am
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I really don't give a damn

I really don't give a damn about junk mails because spams usually gets in and there might be a possibility that you may become a victim. - Kris Krohn

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