– Rod Stewart
I was standing on my front lawn watching the dog take one of his evening breaks when I saw something odd across the street. I moseyed over.
At first it looked like a jumble of wrapping paper, so demonstrating my respect for neighborhood property values, I decided to get rid of it. But when I got within a few feet, I realized it wasn’t paper. It was cloth, specifically a tan shirt, wadded up.
“Probably blew out of some workman’s pickup,” I thought to myself, but then I looked down the street and saw another jumbled pile.
I walked maybe about 20 feet to find a pair of women’s panties with little hearts on them. Curious as always, I kept walking down the street, looking for more clues ... and finding them.
Another pair of underwear, a “petite” striped shirt, a sky-blue tank top.
I went back to the house, returned with a yard rake and collected them all for deposit into the trash can.
“There’s a story there somewhere,” I later explained to my wife. “I wonder what it is?”
YOUR MAIL: Miriam and Schuyler Atkins, of Barbados, send a postcard to tell us they are “escaping the cold and ice of Augusta” in Baja, where it’s “85 degrees.”
FACT CHECKS: Charlie Williams says the following statements are true. I do not know his source:
• If a part of your body “falls asleep,” you can almost always wake it up by shaking your head.
• There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing: food, attractive people, danger.
• Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right.
• Putting dry tea bags in smelly shoes will absorb the odor.
GOLF JOKES: I am still looking for good golf jokes for next week. E-mail me your favorites, like Bill Wood, who sent this:
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddie: “This isn’t the golf course …We left that an hour ago.”
TODAY’S JOKE: A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic; he said it was his mission. He kissed her once, he kissed her twice, and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her dad appeared from the next room and the lad took off running.
“That,” the old man shouted after him, “is long division!”