Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

Kirby: Baseball is back!

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People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.

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– Rogers Hornsby

Professional baseball returns to Augusta this week as the GreenJackets open the season at 7 p.m. Thursday at Lake Olmstead Stadium.

Weather should be great. Team should be good. I should be ready.

And ... if you want to get into a baseball frame of mind, you might check out my Kirby’s Augusta video on YouTube or augustachronicle.com, as I tell the story of our town’s only undefeated team – the 1953 Augusta Ikes – and their nemesis, a 19-year-old Hank Aaron.

BROWN BAG: If you like your history more historical, you might enjoy the post-Masters Brown Bag History Series at the Augusta Museum, where my friend Erick Montgomery talks about Woodrow Wilson. Erick is scheduled to talk about the future president’s Augusta years during the Civil War. That probably means we won’t get to hear any stories about the adult Wilson – a lady’s man and golf fanatic.

(He was both a preacher’s kid and a Democrat.)

TARTAN TIME: After Friday’s column about Scottish tartans, Darrel McKenzie sent me a very interesting note about the history of such patterns.

He also shared this joke: It seems an Englishman was hopelessly lost in the Highlands of Scotland and wandered nearly a week. Finally, he came across an old Scotsman.

“I need your help,” he shouted. “I’ve been lost in these God-forsaken mountains for the last week.”

The Scotsman eyed him shrewdly and asked, “Is there a reward out for you?”

“No,” the Englishman replied.

“Then,” the Scotsman said, “I’m afraid you’re still lost,” and quickly walked away.

YOUR MAIL: Pat and Wayne Fuller, of North Augusta, send a postcard from Jamaica. “Started our cruise in Florida and the first stop was Ocho Rios,” they wrote. “As usual the food is excellent.”

LIP ZIPPED: Speaking of food, Bill Wood, of Heph­zibah, points out a recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

GOLF HUMOR: Got a favorite golf joke? Well, one I can put in the paper? I want to run some for Masters Week and I thought I’d ask you all instead of looking them up in a joke book. Just send me an e-mail.

TODAY’S (NONGOLF) JOKE: Here’s one from Everett Fernandez:

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

“Wow!” he said. “I see why they threw him out!”


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