Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

The state of our union needs a hand

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A plan without action isn’t a plan. It’s a speech.

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– T. Boone Pickens

The state of our union is much like the Atlanta interstate during a snowstorm. It could use some new ideas.

Here are mine.

With rare exception, all three-day federal weekends will be canceled. If the rest of the nation is working, there’s no sense in letting our “public servants” be off.

Likewise, these public servants will not have vehicles furnished by taxpayers. They can drive to work like the rest of us.

Money never sleeps. Neither should banks. No more holidays and weekends off.

I favor a strong military. But while we’re ready for war, the armed forces won’t be sitting still.

The Navy will sponsor cruise ships (properly sanitized), a ready revenue source.

The Air Force will provide a jet at most airports, just in case a taxpayer really needs to get somewhere fast.

The Army (my guys!) will work with our schools instilling discipline and making class changes more orderly.

The economy will boom because I have a quick idea to create more jobs – abolish telephone voicemail.

Companies will have to rehire real people to answer the phones when you call with a problem or request and they will have to put this number prominently on their Web sites, not hide it.

TV sets will not have a device that censors what shows in your home. That’s your job.

They will however, provide the phone number for the local president or general manager of the cable company at the bottom of your bill, so you can call him or her when something doesn’t work.

As a general rule, pro athletes won’t be allowed to make more than school teachers. Speaking of teachers (and professors), tenure is out. You get to play by the same rules as the taxpayers who pay your salary.

The first day it snows, all children will be dropped off a mile from school and told to walk to class. That way they can tell their children about the good old days.

I do not favor term limits. If the people want to send politicians back, that’s their business. However, if you run again and lose, you will have to move out of the state in which you were elected.

Professional sports teams will not be allowed to build new stadiums unless they, not the taxpayers, pay for them.

Finally, major league baseball will discontinue the designated hitter rule; however, each team will be allowed a designated spitball pitcher ... because it’s fun to watch.

And old players Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe Jackson will finally be allowed to enter the Baseball Hall of Fame, because
they earned it by their performance and they shouldn’t be punished for their mistakes.

It’s a simple way to state their case, and a hopeful thought for the state of the union.


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