Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

Old reporters' mail never dies

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Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

– Thornton Wilder

When reporters leave for other pursuits, e-mails to their newsroom work accounts are often automatically forwarded to me. (We want to make sure we don’t lose news tips.)

Months, years and even a decade will pass and I still get e-mails sent to old colleagues. I don’t mind. It’s a nice way to remember them.

But imagine my surprise last week when a former co-worker who hasn’t been here for some time got this e-mail:

“You were recently selected as a candidate for publication in the prestigious Top 100 Executives of 2013 Magazine.

“It is my distinct pleasure to inform you that your candidacy has been reviewed and approved by a special committee and that your biography may soon be featured in this extraordinary and professional magazine.”

Well, we all got a good laugh. This colleague was never really what you might call “an executive,” and obviously whatever “special committee” has been evaluating his work record for a 2013 listing is a bit behind the times.

I hate to waste a perfectly good solicitation, though, so think I shall try to get my little white dog nominated in his place.

I’ll let you know how it turns out.

TODAY’S JOKE: Jim Hope shares this classic:

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news: The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins,

Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


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