Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

The gift I kept on giving

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When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psycho.

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– Sarah Jessica Parker

Just call me Mr. Romance.

Now that Valentine’s Day has passed, I can reveal what a sentimental romantic I am. I got the car fixed.

You see there was a small dent on the front of our newest vehicle, the one my wife likes to use, and as a gift I decided to quietly get it repaired.

I did this right before Christmas, and had my whole story planned so that when she spotted it, I would tell her the Dent Fairy had done it for her Christmas present.

Christmas came and went, however, and she didn’t notice.

My son did, and when he asked me about it, I told him it was his mother’s Christmas present, but if she didn’t notice it, I was just going to keep my mouth my shut.

“Why?” he asked.

“Think ahead, Son,” I said in my wise Dad voice. “I might need that gift sometime in the future. Say, I mess up, or forget to do something she tells me, or I say something stupid at dinner. Instead of getting in trouble, I can just say, ‘At least I got your car fixed.’

“It’s a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.”

He nodded with growing realization.

“If she spots it in the next few weeks, I’ll tell her it’s for Valentine’s Day. If it’s in a few months, it’s her birthday gift. Heck, if I can hold out longer, it might be good for our anniversary.”

Well, for the record, she spotted it earlier this week, and I told her, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

She was happy and hugged me and I tried to hide my disappointment that now I have to go birthday shopping.

YOUR MAIL: Joan Ashley, of Augusta, sends a postcard from out West. Way out. “Enjoying Montana with my son and family, “ she writes. “The snow is so beautiful on the mountains.”

TODAY’S JOKE: Seth Benson, of Millen, shares this one:

The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters do it. She would then tell them they were signing a “contract” for returning books on time.

Her first second-grader looked surprised to see a new librarian.

He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.

The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before she could even start her speech he said, scornfully, “That other librarian we had could write.”


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