Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

Holiday tips for a happy new year

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No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas.

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– Robert Kirby

Today let me share your “after Christmas” stories.

It was the day after Christmas at St. Peter and St. Paul’s Church in Borden, Kent, England. Father John, the vicar, was looking at the Nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing. He went to the sidewalk, looked up and down the street and saw little Nathan with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the Nativity infant.

He quickly strode up to the little boy and asked him, ‘Well, Nathan, where did you get that?’

Nathan looked up, smiled and replied, “I took him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?” the minister asked.

“Well, Father John,” the boy said, “about a week before Christmas I prayed to Jesus. I told him if I got a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

– Richie Russell

LORINDA FOURNIER shares some useful holiday eating tips to get you through the New Year.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Hit the eggnog hard. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think.

3. Good gravy! If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. Eat up. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

5. Take a break. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.

6. Dress appropriately. Wear sweatpants/loose fitting clothing. If you are leaving the party and you can walk without help from a construction forklift, you haven’t been paying attention to the other tips.

FINALLY, THERE WAS a bit of holiday confusion at the sporting goods store during a post-Christmas sale.

An older fellow was ready to pay for his purchases of gunpowder and bullets. The cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

He did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to his credit card.

– Bill Wood, Hephzibah


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