Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

It's funny how some things add up

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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

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– Mark Twain

Some education fun for today. Here’s how you measure stuff:

• Time between slip­ping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

• Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

• Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

• 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

• 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

• 1 million aches = 1 megahurtz

• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

• Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

• 1 million million microphones = 1 megaphone

• 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

• 52 cards = 1 decacards

• 2 monograms = 1 diagram

• 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I used to wonder what it’d be like to read others people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and now I’m over it.

BACK IN TIME: We find this public school problem in The Chronicle archives 43 years ago this week, Dec. 12, 1969:

“The Richmond County Board of Education will discuss rules and regulations of hair style and dress at its January meeting, and is scheduled to set policies on them.

“A suit is pending against the school board concerning a student who was expelled from Glenn Hills High School because Prin­ci­pal W.G. Oellerich said his hair was too long. U.S. District Judge Alex­ander A. Lawrence has allowed the student, Charles Smith, to return to school pending a hearing.”

TODAY’S CHRISTMAS JOKE: Here’s one from Charlie Williams:

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional holiday party over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was at a Christmas outing with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I might have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock, but since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a cab before and I am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it’s in my garage.

Happy holidays! Be safe!

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