Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

Some good Christmas humor wanted

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At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

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– Thomas Tusser

A local pastor of some renown called the other day to ask my professional assistance.

He wanted some Christmas jokes and, because readers have been sending me jokes for several decades, he figured I had some sophisticated file system of holiday humor and could deliver such wit with alacrity.

He said he had searched the Internet and had found the offerings sadly lacking.

Naturally, I promised I would do what I could and quickly went back into the archives to see what I had found funny about Christmas.

I was unpleasantly surprised.

Not only was my own repertoire of seasonal offerings exceptionally limited but the joke books on my shelves also were as weak as Tiny Tim’s porridge.

Next, I went to the Internet, and found out that most of the Santa Claus jokes are either riddles for children or from Playboy magazine, which would probably exempt them from pulpit fare.

So, I will do what the preacher did, and ask for help; specifically, I’ll ask you for help.

If you have a particularly funny holiday, Christmas, Santa Claus, reindeer, North Pole or whatever joke, e-mail it to my address below.

It will brighten up the weeks as we head to the last days of 2012.

END OF THE WORLD: I was at a family gathering over Thanksgiving, and someone started talking about that Mayan prediction that the world will end next month.

“Don’t believe it,” I told the young people confidently. “The Mayans and their culture vanished hundreds of years ago, and if the Mayans couldn’t predict their own demise, why should we believe they can predict ours?”

TODAY’S JOKE: Here’s another one from Billy Cooper, of North Augusta:

One day, a young camel decided to ask his father some questions about growing up. “Daddy, why is it that we have humps on our backs?”

“Well, son,” the older camel said, “we have humps on our backs that contain fat and water to sustain us in the desert.”

“Oh, thanks, Dad!” said the youngster. Then he asked, “Daddy, why is it that we have long eyelashes?”

“Well, son,” said the father, “in the desert, there are many sandstorms that whip up a lot of sand, which can get into our eyes. The long eyelashes protect our eyes from being blinded.”

“Oh, thanks, Dad!” said the youngster, but then he asked, “Dad, why is it we have big, padded feet?”

“Well, son, in the desert, the sand is very soft, and we need big feet to be able to walk on the sand without our feet sinking into it.”

“OK,” said the young camel, “but one more question. What the heck are we doing in the zoo?”


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