Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

10 simple rules for losing weight (or not)

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Health food makes me sick.

Video: Kirby's Augusta
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– Calvin Trillin

Trying to take off a few pounds before you head to the beach and put on your swimsuit?

Have no fear. Everett Fernandez shares this handy list of Diet Rules for Cheaters.

They all sound like good advice.

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat – the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles.

YOUR MAIL: Gene and Joy Salet, of Augusta, are enjoying Dollywood with brother Ernie and sister-in-law Becky from Omaha and send us a postcard featuring Dolly Parton.

Wayne and Pat Fuller, of North Augusta, are not that far away – Cades Cove, Tenn., which they write is one of their favorite vacation spots.

Teresa and Greg Brooks send a card from Blarney Castle in Ireland. They are traveling around the British Isles for a few days with a group of 30 from Augusta.

Jack Maffett, of Sandersville, and his wife, Emma Ruth, and daughter Allyson say they drove through Sandersville, Miss. on their way west.

Finally, Bill Leopard, of Aiken, shares a special postcard showing Nantahala Overlook at Black Rock Mountain State Park in north Georgia.

“This is the view not far from where we scattered my wife’s ashes two years ago. I came to visit the spot. The weather is great here.”

TODAY’S JOKE: “I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son.

“Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.”


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