– Bertrand Russell
Now that trick-or-treating is over, I can reveal my Halloween candy strategy.
I usually buy two types of sweets – several bags of nationally advertised good stuff and then a cheap bag of hard, peanut butter-flavored, pull-the-fillings-out-of-your teeth fare.
One goes to the nice little children in their cute costumes, the other goes to the sullen, older costume-less teens who should be home studying for the SAT.
This upsets my wife, who fears follow-up reprisals from dentally damaged young people.
“There is nothing wrong with that candy,” I assure her. “You just need to soften it up in the microwave for a few seconds.”
To prove my point, I even offered to take my cheap leftovers to work and set out a bowl, free for the taking.
(For some reason when I left Thursday night, most of it was still there. Counting calories, I suppose.)
GET YOUR TICKETS: Our annual Empty Stocking Fund Benefit Concert featuring the Augusta Concert Band is 3 p.m. Nov. 20 at First Baptist Church of Augusta.
You can pick up free tickets (limit 4) down here at the News Building, 725 Broad St., or fill out a coupon inside the newspaper.
YOUR MAIL: Kathryn went to a Baptist Convention in Tennessee. “Some great preaching, singing and eating.”
Pat and Wayne Fuller, of North Augusta, were nearby in the Great Smoky Mountains.
And Ginny and Jeff Guerrant, of Aiken, were in “beautiful New Bern, N.C., for fall festivities, including a cemetery ghost walk.”
TODAY’S JOKE: Speaking of cemeteries, Seth Benson, in Millen, shares this one.
It seems a funeral director hired a bagpiper to play over the burial of a homeless man.
The service was to be in a small cemetery down a lonely county road.
Unfortunately, the bagpiper got lost, and after almost an hour of driving around came upon a small graveyard near some farm buildings.
All he found were two workmen sitting down and eating lunch beside a hole with a mound of freshly turned earth. He apologized for being late and decided he had to make it up to all involved.
He started to play, and it was beautiful. The workmen stopped eating, stood, then walked over to join him.
As he played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep.
When he finished, there was a quiet stillness and he headed to his car.
And just before he got in, he managed to hear one of the workers say, “You know, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years and I never heard nothin’ like that.”