Glynn Moore

News editor and local columnist for The Augusta Chronicle.

A hamburger's not a hamburger when it has cheese

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When I order a hamburger in a restaurant or in my car at a drive-through joint, and tell the employee exactly what I want on my burger, I am often asked: "Would you like cheese on that?"

My first thought is to say, "No, because then, see, it wouldn't be a hamburger. It would be a cheeseburger, which you have right there on the menu, just below 'hamburger.' I ordered a hamburger."

But I don't because that would be rude, and they might put something worse than cheese on my hamburger. I just say, "No, thank you."

I never order ketchup on a hamburger, either, because I like ketchupburgers even less than cheeseburgers.

Ketchup is fine on french fries, and perhaps a couple of other foods -- though the only one I can think of at the moment is onion rings, but onion rings are just french fries from a different mother.

Cheese, on the other hand, is good on just about everything; in fact, it is one of the Four Major Food Groups that flavor every product in the store: cheese, onion, lemon, garlic and jalapeño. OK, Five Major Food Groups.

Cheese and ketchup simply have to learn their place. They are not made for my hamburgers.

When I was a kid, I saw a cartoon that showed a customer in a roadside diner reading a big menu behind the counter listing dozens of burgers: cheeseburger, steakburger, fishburger, chickenburger, vealburger -- on and on. The short-order cook tells the customer, "We have one made with ham, too, but we don't know what to call it."

It's a sad day when you can't tell it like it is because people will misconstrue it. (There's a whole discussion here, or perhaps argument, but let's get back to the subject, which is something to do with words.)

All of this came to mind because as I was shaving one morning I heard mention of a meteorologist on the news.

Now, you and I know that a meteorologist is really a weatherman, or weatherwoman, or, in days of old, a weather girl. It is a person who studies the weather.

But if that's the case, I asked my razor, then what do you call someone who studies meteors?

"An astronomer?" my razor said.

For that matter, I rambled on, why do they say someone had a "meteoric rise," when meteors fall to Earth and don't soar upward?

I'm sure it has to do with brilliance, not direction, but "rise" is all wrong.

A meteor isn't even a meteor all the time. Before it falls into the atmosphere as a bright light, it is a rock floating in space called a meteoroid. Later, if it doesn't burn up on the way down, it becomes a meteorite.

That reminded me of food again. These days you can order "french fries" that are baked instead of fried so they're better for you. French bakes? What's next? A cheeseburger that has no beef?

"They already have that," my razor said. "It's called a cheese sandwich."

Comments (12) Add comment
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Just My Opinion
7584
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Just My Opinion 02/07/11 - 05:50 am
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Oh, I shouldn't have read

Oh, I shouldn't have read this. Too much thinking, too early in the day, and too early in the new week.

3iftymom
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3iftymom 02/07/11 - 09:37 am
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How bout them Packers Glynn?

How bout them Packers Glynn? “To God be the glory!” Yummy, I call it all “good”.

natiger93
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natiger93 02/07/11 - 10:04 am
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I can identify. I feel the

I can identify. I feel the same way when I order a chicken caesar salad or wrap & am asked what type of dressing I would like on that. Ummmm...Caesar?

Jack Padgett
0
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Jack Padgett 02/07/11 - 10:10 am
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Do you put cream and sugar in

Do you put cream and sugar in your coffee? What do you call that? It is certainly not coffee anymore, but some kind of hot milk shake.

BornInAUG
1
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BornInAUG 02/07/11 - 10:32 am
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This is funny, it reminds me

This is funny, it reminds me of a time my friends won't let me forget. I ordered a cheeseburger with only ketchup on it. What did I get? A hamburger with ketchup. I went on about a 5 minute rant similar to the above article. Glad to see I'm not the only one frustrated by our language and fastfood.

pikeka
43
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pikeka 02/07/11 - 10:48 am
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Wife ordered a beer at our

Wife ordered a beer at our local mexican restaurant, and she said she wanted it in an iced mug... They brought her the bottle and a mug full of ice.

dani
13
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dani 02/07/11 - 11:06 am
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Take it easy on the fast food

Take it easy on the fast food workers, Glynn. They are reading from a card on the wall.
SELL! The name of the game.

oldfella
620
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oldfella 02/07/11 - 12:08 pm
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I think next time I'm eating

I think next time I'm eating fast food I'll order a "cheeseburger.....and hold the cheese". Oops, maybe not - this could be a health/sanity issue.

Beck Tears
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Beck Tears 02/07/11 - 02:54 pm
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Life must be sweet when you

Life must be sweet when you write such a large complaint having to explain you want a boring hamburger, with no cheese or ketchup. You must not be making yourself very clear when you order- because I can't recall a time when I asked for a cheeseburger, or a numbered meal; and the person taking the order asks if I would like something different then what I asked for. Oh well, what do you expect from a person who has two way conversations with their razor....

Riverman1
124378
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Riverman1 02/07/11 - 05:16 pm
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You got it wrong on the Five

You got it wrong on the Five Major Food Groups. Cheese is not one of them; it's Cheetos.

lindabrown919
6
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lindabrown919 02/07/11 - 11:46 pm
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Life must be sweet when you

Life must be sweet when you write such a large complaint having to explain you want a boring hamburger, with no cheese or ketchup. You must not be making yourself very clear when you order- because I can't recall a time when I asked for a cheeseburger, or a numbered meal; and the person taking the order asks if I would like something different then what I asked for. Oh well, what do you expect from a person who has two way conversations with their razor....No doubt. Guess you had nothing better to write about...Just Saying

gnatman1102
6
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gnatman1102 02/10/11 - 07:20 am
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Does anyone want to know what

Does anyone want to know what the real difference is been a hamburger and cheeseburger at most restaurants? About 50 cents. Do you want to know what I think the difference is? A ripoff!

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