Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

Democrats and Republicans are very different

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To change and to improve are two different things.

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– German proverb

I’ve watched a lot of year-end TV this past week and it seems that many believe Washington would improve if both political parties got along.

This, of course, is impossible because Democrats and Republicans are very, very different.

I know because years ago, my great-aunt sent me this clipping that explains the differences pretty well. Some examples:

Democrats name their children after politicians not yet in jail.

Republicans name their children after relatives who have not made out wills.

Republicans worry about the national debt.

Democrats like it when Republicans worry.

Democrats make plans that they don’t intend to follow.

Republicans follow the plans made by their grandfathers.

Republicans make bankers relax.

Democrats make bankers leave town.

Republicans collect stocks dividends.

Democrats collect government checks.

Democrats fly to Europe at taxpayer expense.

Republicans stay in Washington … at taxpayer expense.

Republicans mow their own lawns.

Democrats hire the sons of Republicans to mow theirs.

A GOOD TREND: Believe it or not, young people are better at NOT texting and driving than older people. Research by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety found that the public often blames teen drivers for such dangerous inattention, but adult drivers ages 25-39 were the most likely to admit engaging in these risky behaviors behind the wheel.

Two out of three drivers reported using a cell while driving within the past month. Forty-three percent of adults ages 25-39 reported doing so fairly often or regularly while driving, compared to only 20 percent of teens. Motorists age 60 and up were the least likely to report using a phone.

YOUR MAIL: New year, familiar travelers.

Doris and Marty Charnock send a card from Lake Junaluska in North Carolina. They write: “Here with the Senior Saints from Aldersgate UMC. We went to three concerts. Now Marty and I are off to the Inn at Biltmore. Beautiful weather.”

Red and Lynn Goodwin, of North Augusta, say: “Hello from Labadee!! Haiti. Enjoying a five-day cruise with our daughter and son-in law Tommy and Michelle South. Our Christmas gift!” The group also sent a card from Jamaica.

TODAY’S JOKE: A teacher received a note on the first day of school.

“Dear Miss Jones,” it read. “My Sally is a sensitive child. If she acts up in class, just slap a little girl sitting next to her. This will frighten Sally into behaving.”

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