Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

Forget holiday diets, I say, weight until spring

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The mind has its own logic but does not often let others in on it.

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– Bernard De Voto

It’s the time of year when a lot of people worry about weight gain.

I am not one of them.

That’s because I have this whole holiday eating thing worked out.

It is, after all, the time of year when animals (and we humans used to count ourselves as such) put on fat for the cold winter.

We’re supposed to gain weight. It helps keep us warm. Don’t fight it.

Why do you think we back-loaded our heavyweight holidays to maximize this experience?

Let me try to explain.

It began in October.

Now, I’m not sure about you, but I’ve been nibbling undistributed Halloween candy for the past four weeks.

The last bag of mini-Snickers hidden (though not very well) on the top of a dining room china cabinet is just about empty, but that’s OK because Thanksgiving Week brought me leftovers.

Lots of them.

And between workplace offerings, church covered dishes, family feasts and everything else, I figure I’m good for another five pounds.

Am I fretting?

No.

That weight is just in time for Christmas – a holiday often associated with jolly fat men.

As most of you know “Christmas” is the holiday month that accounts for 50 percent of the nation’s credit purchases and 80 percent of its sugar consumption.

And even if – and it’s a big IF – I don’t eat all those fruitcakes and all those sugar plums and all those chocolates, December will be followed by January and February.

These are generally the coldest months of the year.

And I will most likely be wearing layers of clothing and sweaters and big coats ... and nobody will be able to tell if I’m slim and trim ... or hearty and husky.

Some people foolishly start diets with New Year’s resolutions.

Why? You’ll be wearing bulky clothes until spring.

That’s why I don’t worry about what I eat for the next 100 days.

I’ll be wearing flannel shirts and heavy coats and nobody can tell if I have added a few pounds the way Mother Nature and the Mars Candy Co. intended.

Besides, I’m waiting for March.

That’s when I will begin to check out the Augusta Chronicle classified ads to begin my review of all those expensive but seldom used exercise machines that people panicked and purchased in hopes of making some unrealistic Jan. 1 weight loss goal.

Hey, if I time this right, someone might even pay me to get it out of their garage and haul it away, which I will do, putting it in my garage and getting in shape for Masters Week.

When it came to weight loss, they might have had a dream. But I had a plan.


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