Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

This is the day we play at hearts

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Dear lady be cautious of Cupid; list well to the lines of this verse:

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To be kissed by a fool is stupid; to be fooled by a kiss is worse.

Ambrose Redmoon

Here is my advice for Valentine’s Day. Let me be quick because if you’re looking for tips today, you’re probably late.

FOR GUYS:

1. Don’t give a woman flowers in person.

Have them delivered to wherever the woman works, preferably where other women will see them. Women like flowers, but they love envy more.

2. Don’t give a woman scandalous undergarments.

Women know men only buy this stuff because they need an excuse to go into scandalous undergarment stores. (And don’t have this delivered to her workplace, either.)

3. Do give them chocolates. If you don’t give a woman chocolates on Valentine’s Day, she will think you didn’t because you think she needs to be on a diet. This will prompt her to ask the question you don’t want to answer: “Do I look fat?”

So give her the chocolates. And if she asks the question anyway, get up, leave the room, rush out of the house. Get in your car, drive away. But don’t under any circumstances attempt to answer this question. There is no right answer.

FOR WOMEN:

1. Cook him a meal. Doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you fry it.

Fish? Fry it.

Steak? Fry it.

Salad? Fry it.

Frying something is messy, stinky and not very neat, which is why men like it. Nothing says love like lard.

2. No neckties. Surprise him with a big, cheap flannel shirt.

3. Tools. Best bet? Phillips head screwdiver. Smaller the better. Can’t have too many of them.

4. AA batteries: You never know when the TV remote will go out. Be ready. He’ll be glad you were.

5. A Get-Out-of-the-Doghouse-Free Card. Think of it as an excuse note for adults. Tell him he can present it to you the next time he screws up and you’ll forgive him.

And the best part? He’s a guy. He’ll probably lose the card.

TODAY’S VALENTINE’S JOKE: A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes. Curiosity gets the better of him, so the man goes up to the balding fellow and asks what he is doing.

The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’ ”

“But why?” asks the other.

The balding man smiles, and says, “I’m a divorce lawyer.”

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