Bill Kirby

Online news editor for The Augusta Chronicle.

Relaxing gets more difficult every day

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Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

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– Kin Hubbard

I’m really trying to get in the Christmas spirit, but I’m having the usual problems.

Just the other day I got home and found my wife and son with big smiles on their faces. It seems that during one of their shopping forays they had come upon an electric foot massager and decided immediately it should be “a gift for the whole family.”

They brought it home but were a little too excited to wrap it up and slip it under the tree for a few weeks – they wanted to try it out immediately. Both liked it very much, and when I walked in an hour or so later, I was immediately told about its tension-relieving properties and heel-tingling caress. I was also compelled to try it out, no doubt so I could praise such an astute purchase.

Well, it didn’t go well.

I sat down, removed my shoes and stuck my stockinged toes and aching arches on what look like a dark set of bathroom scales with an extension cord coming out the side.

I placed both feet on the footpads and flipped a switch. Immediately some red, circular lights started to glow and something began to rotate. They felt like big marbles or ball bearings.

They also felt weird.

I tried to play along for a minute or so, but finally gave up.

“You don’t like it?” both asked a bit incredulously.

I sort of nodded no, then went over to sit in a more familiar chair that has known my rump for years.

The massage maestros sulked while I scratched my little white dog’s ears.

“I guess I’m just not a very sensitive guy,” I said.

Familiar territory, they assured me.

LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE: It was a fun weekend, wasn’t it? The Augusta Chronicle Christmas Lightup Spectacular downtown certainly lived up to its name Saturday night. Thanks again to Georgia Power, Chik-fil-A and WBBQ for the fireworks.

Because I was working on the stage introducing performers, I got to meet Miss Augusta Samantha Osteen, tease Mayor Deke Copenhaver and slap a high hoof with the Chik-fil-A cows. I also got to listen up close to talented Brandon McGuiness perform Christmas favorites.

My biggest surprise was when Terese Denney (who teaches at Curtis Baptist) and her husband walked up to introduce themselves and tell me she and I had attended the same Atlanta high school years ago. I graduated with her (much) older brother, who sat beside me in Georgia history class in 1965.

(The world is often smaller than we think, isn’t it?)

TODAY’S JOKE: Dottie Bradley offers this: “Dear, God. My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did last year. Amen!


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