Every time my phone rings and it’s a telemarketer, I raise a fist of fury at the Mayans for not doing a better job of ending this world when they had the chance.
The year 2012 will go down in history, I firmly believe, as the year telemarketers finally stormed the walls and brought down the bastion that was the Do Not Call list.
That list had served us well, but now these slimy people who work in cubicles, crawl on their bellies and lie through their teeth have found ways to bypass the law.
Just last week, for instance, I received a call on my cellphone.
“Hello?” I said.
We’re just following up,” a fast-paced voice began, “because you expressed an interest on our online survey that you would like a job in our medical field and—”
“You’ve got the wrong person,” I said. “We’re on the Do Not Call list, and anyway, we never took any surv—”
Click! He was gone like the ghosts of Christmas.
Sometimes the calls would be funny if they weren’t so maddening.
Disappointed, I hung up.
The same number immediately called back.
“Hi, there,” I said, on the off chance that somebody wanted to talk with me.
“I see that you don’t use our company as your home telephone provider.”
“No we don’t,” I said. “But why do you think I’d want phone service from someone who either doesn’t know how to place a call or else whose service is so bad that we can’t even connect with each other?”
Click! The caller hung up on me.
I dial the number that had called. I was told to press “1” to speak with a representative. I did, and waited. And waited. Ten minutes later, another recording came on that said no one was going to speak to me but that if I left my name and number, someone would eventually call me back.
I figured that was a ploy just to get more information about me, so I gave up.
The most common telemarketing call we get is from some alleged home security company.
The last time was just a few days ago.
“Did you know that a home is broken into every 0.00007 seconds? In fact, there’s a guy in your backyard right now casing your home.”
“We’re on the Do Not Call list,” I said tiredly. “Which I told you last week when you called, and the week before that. And both times you said you’d take my name off your calling list. Anyway, we have a home secu—”
If you are one of these telemarketers, or hope to be one when you get out of prison, know this: I will never buy anything from people who break the Do Not Call law and are rude. Your call will be wasted. I hope you have a happy 2013, but, at the same time I’d like to say this: Click!