If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
– Will Rogers
Congress is now grappling with the “debt ceiling” with the same skillful aplomb it used earlier on the federal budget. This inspired Charlie Williams to share a solution: “Let’s say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood ... and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling. What do you think you should do?
“Raise the ceiling or remove the sewage?”
DON’T THINK TIME FLIES? Christmas morning was a month ago. Better spend those gift cards before they expire ... or you do.
REMEMBERING STAN: Jack Shapiro shares this memory about baseball star Stan Musial, who died last week.
“The first major league game I ever saw was at the old Sportsman Park in St. Louis. This was 1946. Musial hit a foul ball over the right field stands. A fan sitting behind us yelled, ‘Straighten it out, Stan.’
“The next pitch he hit fair in the same area for a homer. For whatever the reason, I remember that incident well.”
TODAY’S JOKE: Here’s one shared by Seth Benson, of Millen, Ga.:
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, since we will be in such a remote area of the Pacific Ocean, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, have we already sent our tax return to the IRS with the $5,000 payment due?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds. “Not yet.”
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I haven’t yet sent those either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”