As the candidates drop away like morbidly obese kids chasing an ice cream truck, my presidential bid is looking bright.
My campaign slogan has been: "I'm in it for the long haul, you all" -- and now is a good time to lay out my platform so you can vote wisely in October. Or November. Whenever.
I make no promises. Just guarantees for saving our great land. So, my fellow Americans:
- As the true candidate for change -- my new slogan is: "I like change" -- I would, as commander in chief, ruin the political career of any legislator who suggests killing the penny. My ancestors spent pennies, and I want my descendants to spend pennies. No matter that it costs more than 1 cent to mint a cent -- change is sacred, pennywise.
- I also would destroy any lawmaker trying to foist dollar coins on us. I've never seen a Susan B. Anthony or Sacagawea dollar coin in circulation, and now they're bringing out coins with presidents' heads on them. What's the point? People won't carry heavy metal when they can carry a wad of paper bills.
- I would invade Canada and Mexico, making illegal immigration largely impossible. (Anyone who swims across an ocean to the U.S. is welcome to stay.) If our neighbors don't like being taken over, tough! Adios, NAFTA!
- I would put armed guards in every bank. Aren't you tired of reading about banks getting robbed by guys who hint that they have guns? No more easy money! I'll make you a deal: If you wave your gun in the air to prove you're armed, survive the ensuing shoot-out with guards (perfect work for elite sharpshooters home from Iraq) and carry a bag of heavy dollar coins out the door, you can have it. You've got to ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk? (If you don't, my other offer is: Get a job!)
- I would bring trains back. Freight trains, passenger trains. That would reduce the number of trucks on crowded roads. (First dibs at railway jobs would go to ex-truckers.). New tracks would be elevated so we don't have them running into cars and cows and blocking traffic downtown.
- To give those trains something to haul, I would make manufacturers build factories in this country again. That would produce goods and jobs, reverse the recession and give bank robbers honest work.
Was that so hard? All it takes to save America is some common sense. I hope to see you at the polls in October. Or November.
Say, that reminds me of my new campaign slogan: "The future is ahead."
Reach Glynn Moore at (706) 823-3419 or firstname.lastname@example.org