Posted February 14, 2006 01:11 pm - Updated February 14, 2006 01:12 pm

Cheney’s accidental discharge

Hunting on a south Texas ranch, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a long-time friend on Saturday. Claiming executive privilege, national security, attorney-client privilege and the Second Amendment, few details about the incident have been released. Here is what The Weasel has learned. Mr. Cheney mistook 78-year-old attorney Harry Whittington for a Montezuma quail. After the incident, Mr. Cheney asked the property owner, Katharine Armstrong, to release a few details about the shooting to the media. She called a local newspaper to report the Vice President of the United Stated had accidentally peppered a friend with buckshot. The phone conversation was picked up by a National Security Agency listening post in Pakistan. Unfortunately, the translator misinterpreted Mrs. Armstrong’s statement that this was a “P.R. disaster” for Mr. Cheney. They thought she was reporting a “Puerto Rico disaster” and immediately contacted the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). Trying to improve its image after a scathing Congressional report, FEMA mobilized “everything it had.” They immediately sent trucks full of ice to Maine, mobilized the Nebraska National Guard, ordered the immediate evacuation of Scottsdale, Arizona, and handed our Debit cards to Halliburton executives. Word of the shooting slowly spread to the mainstream media. The New York Post headline screamed “Hot lead in the head, Cheney said.” The New York Times headline exclaimed “V.P. fires shotgun too far to the right.” Fox News did a 20-minute report on how much better the Vice President’s aim has gotten. The local police quickly mobilized and started their investigation -- 24-hours after the incident. Within minutes a report was issued. “A weapon owned by a government employee discharged, injuring an individual. Move along. There is nothing to see here.” On Sunday the White House released official word of the shooting. A spokesman blamed the attorney for sneaking up behind the Vice President. “It‘s a tragic mistake that could have been avoided” the spokesman said. “The attorney should have said ‘Dick, don’t shoot me! I’m not a quail!’” - Pop goes The Weasel