Posted December 30, 2010 10:20 pm - Updated December 31, 2010 01:29 pm

The Return of the Kick in the Throat Awards

Batman delivers a kick to the throat
Batman delivers a kick to the throat
Image from Batman: Arkham Asylum

After a few years off, it's time for the Kick in the Throat Awards to make a return. For those of you who don't remember them, here's a brief summary from a previous blog post.


The Kick in the Throat Awards, a.k.a. "The Throaties", are given to people that need some sense knocked into them. However these people are so far gone that they need more than a smack upside the head. They need to be kicked right in their throat. Because when you can't breathe, you have time to re-evaluate your life.


The Throaties (I really need to come up with a less porno sounding name for them) were last handed out in 2006, honoring supreme acts of stupidity in the fields of entertainment, sports, and politics. Work, laziness and booze (not necessarily in that order) prevented me from handing them out after that, but I am hoping to turn over a new leaf this year.


If you followed the news at all this year, you know there's no shortage of nominees. The Throatie Award selection panel (also known as me) had a hard time narrowing down the field. Hopefully you all will agree with my picks but if not, feel free to add your's below.


And with that, I present to the 2010 Kick in the Throat winners.


Politics (State and local): In the field of politics, I originally thought about giving the award to Columbia County commissioner Scott Dean who was accused of exchanging inappropriate messages with a county employee but he's a politician, so behavior like that is to be expected. Alvin Greene's senate run had most of the country wondering if South Carolina Democrats cared anymore and earned him strong consideration. However, I am giving the award to Roy Barnes and Nathan Deal. During their race for Georgia governor, they ran some of the nastiest ads I've seen in a long time earning them a jump split kick to the throat.


Politics (national): This category could take a while. You had John McCain continuing to sell his soul, Sarah Palin was her usual divisive self, President Barack Obama ended the year strong but I don't think many would call his 2010 a huge success, Democrats found new ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and Republicans found new ways to stop progress while making themselves out to be victims and Christine O'Donnell brought back "fond" memories of the Salem Witch trials.


It's tough, but considering how I feel about government in America I think we should line up all politicians (Republican, Democrat, Tea Party, Green Party, Independent, etc.) and have them all take a Chuck Norris high kick to throat.


Local kicks: Former Columbia County sheriff's deputy Derek Wayne McClure was fired and arrested after an investigation into a claim that he sexually assaulted a woman in custody. Matthew Cornelison and Stuart Sims, tried to wash off the chemicals from a homemade bomb in the restroom at Wife Saver restaurant. One of them developed respiratory problems and the entire restaurant had to be evacuated. These three mean will each receive a flying kung fu kick to the throat from a Bolivian soccer player.


Entertainment: Nominees include Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Jessie James, Cast of Jersey Shore and the cast of those Real Housewives shows.


The Real Housewives of... makes me that think that gay guys have the right idea (especially the one filmed  in Atlanta). I swear those shows exist to perpetuate negative female stereotypes. The cast of The Jersey Shore makes an entire state look bad and unleashed Snooki upon the world. Jessie James cheated on America's sweetheart Sandra Bullock. Mel Gibson went from verbally trashing Jewish people to verbally assaulting his ex-wife. And Charlie Sheen was, well Charlie Sheen.


It's a tough call and I REALLY want to give it to the Housewives for making women across the country look bad but it's hard to argue against Mel Gibson. Any dude who hopes a woman gets raped deserves a kick to the throat from MMA star Gina Carano.


Sports: This is really a two horse race between Brett Farve and LeBron James. Farve's game of retirement roulette and feud with former head coach Brad Childress alone were probably enough to earn him a nomination. But the scandal involving Jenn Sterger, a pair of crocs and a penis guaranteed it.


James became the NBA's biggest villain this summer and almost started a race war in the process. James seems to think that the hate directed at him for The Decision was because he is black. Personally I think it's because he strung Cleveland along, agreed to broadcast his choice on national TV, gave the Cavs about 5 minutes notice and pretty much acted like a spoiled, demanding brat the entire time.


Most people would give the award to Farve and it's tough to argue with them. However at the end of the day, he did something that frat guys everywhere are doing. Men (married and single) hit on women all the time. And I personally know two women who have received unsolicited penis pictures (U.P.P.s) this year alone. Sadly for some men, that's their go to move. When in doubt, whip it out.


For that reason, I am giving a LeBron James a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar "Game of Death" style kick for making two entire cities (Cleveland and New York) hate him, blaming the backlash on racism and giving Jessie Jackson a reason to speak out.


All in all, that's not a bad lineup. Sure a few big names were missing. People like Ben Roethlisberger, Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus could have made the list but they have done some many dumb things they need their own separate awards.


I hope you enjoyed this year's Throatie Award. With any luck I will be back in 2011 with a new set of fools and a name that doesn't sound like the title of a low budget adult film.


Happy Year to you all.