Posted July 2, 2007 11:05 am - Updated July 3, 2007 11:26 am

Hell needs a bureaucracy

You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that the world is a messed up place right now. We are faced with evils like the war in Iraq, the 2008 Presidential race, the Darfur conflict, global warming and Pacman Jones.

Since there are so many bad things going on right now I am thinking that the Devil might have his hands full. I know he is the ruler of all evil but everybody needs help sometimes. Keeping George Bush in office and the Cincinnati Bengals out of jail is a tough job for anyone.

The Devil is probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of all this stress. And since we need a little badness in the world to maintain the balance of good and evil we can’t afford for him to take any sick days.

In order to lighten his load I am proposing that the Underworld create some new positions and fill them with qualified, evil people. It’s time to turn Hell into Hell Incorporated.

V.P. of Torture: This is Hell’s bread and butter. People are sent there to be tortured and it’s not a nice job but someone has to do it. This position requires a creative mind, so artsy types should definitely apply. Hell needs a person that can come up with new and innovative ways to make people suffer. Flogging and pits of fire are OK but they need someone to think outside the box and take punishment to a whole new level. How about an eternity of listening to Al Gore and John Kerry debate each other? Or being trapped in an elevator with Paris Hilton and Geraldo Rivera? Hell needs new ways to make people suffer and the VP of Torture will make sure that it is done with style.

Two of my friends JungleGoddess and Fred, would be great at this.

V.P. of Earth Entertainment: This job requires frequent travel to the land of the living so if you don’t like commuting don’t even bother applying. The V.P.E.E. will work with some of the world’s biggest entertainers, writers and make sure that their careers are going down the right path. It offers a lot of variety. One day you are convincing J.K. Rowling to write another evil, satanic, witchcraft promoting Harry Potter book. The next you are meeting with Tom Hanks to discuss plans for a sequel to The Da Vinci Code.

V.P. of Underworld Entertainment: This is probably the most exciting position in the company. Way back in my college days, I had a discussion with some friends about entertainers and we came to the conclusion that several of them would end up in Hell. One of my friends even went as far as to say, “Hell is gonna have a concert and I’ll be d*#ned if I’m gonna miss it.” There are going to be some great acts in Hell and it is going to take a talented person to work with them.

You will have rap artists like NWA, Notorious B.I.G. and Tu-Pac. Singers like the old fat Elvis, Young James Brown (the Sex Machine years) and the entire Rat Pack will also be on the card. Let not forget rock acts like Kiss, Ozzy Osborn and Marylyn Manson.

Future performers include Marylyn Manson, R. Kelly, KISS, Michael Jackson and maybe his sister Janet. And the party would be complete without Britney Spears and Christina Aguleria (the Dirrty version).

V.P. of Web Development: This person has two main objectives.

  1. Maintain the entire Internet: Few people know that the Internet was developed in Hell and it is one of their greatest successes. Your job will be to keep it filled with content that is pornographic, attacks religion, promotes homosexuality or encourages free thought.
  2. Build, the official website of the underworld: Hell’s website really needs an update so that they can reach a younger audience. So they need online tools like webmail, personalized homepages and mapping software (Hell is a big place). You will also be responsible for developing a filter that keeps the junk out of our inboxes. Satan might be the embodiment of all things evil but he had nothing to do with Spam emails. He hates that crap just as much as we do.

V.P. of Homosexual Affairs: Because gay marriage has become such a big issue over the last few years hell should probably dedicate someone to it full. The V.P.H.A. will make sure that the Gay Agenda is promoted. And since no one really knows what the Gay Agenda is it will be your job to create it. You work closely with the V.P. of Entertainment to get more shows like Will and Grace, The L Word, Ellen, and Queer as Folk on the air.

V.P. of Political Affairs: This position is a no-brainer. Someone has to responsible for all the lies, llegal activities and sexually deviant behavior that goes on in the world of politics.

V.P. of Marketing: This could quite possible be the easiest job in Hell. All you have to do is make it seem like a great place. Let’s be honest, most of the fun people in the world are currently or will soon be there so most of your work is already done. I mentioned some of the musical acts earlier and just think of all the actors, sports stars and politicians that will be there with them. According to most beliefs, Hell will be full of drinkers (Ron White, Dean Martin), fornicators (Pamela Anderson, Hugh Hefner), cursers (Richard Pryor, Chris Rock), liars (every politician EVER) and just generally dumb people (Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Michael and Marcus Vick). I have to be honest, with the exception of the last four people, that sounds like the best frat party ever. The VP of Marketing will promote Hell as being more than a place for eternal damnation.

A bureaucracy modeled after our government or several major companies would make Hell even more hellish. It will be like the DMV on steroids, the Augusta Commission on crack or Washington, DC on acid.

If you think you qualify for any of these positions (or if you know someone who does), applications are available in Hell’s HR department or apply online at