ShopGirl blogs Project Runway: season nine, episode three

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The models with Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn
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Laura Kathleen and Anthony Ryan Auld’s design

Just when you thought there was a ceiling on the house of crazy, they take you to the basement.

Challenge the Third had as many kinks as a compulsive person's phone cord...it was a team challenge, there was an outdoor runway, and the models (were they even models?) were stiltwalkers. Too. Much. Much.

So from the beginning, it was just mad mayhem as these models and Heidi walked out on stilts - were they professionals? Because if so, they were very unprofessionally wobbly and had horrible posture. Then, it was also very unclear as to whether the challenge was for a costume or a look that happened to be worn by an extremely long-legged woman. But no matter, off they trot to mood with $500 to spend after a quick confab.

Overall, such a disappointed runway. Was it the time crunch? Was it the team pairings? Was it the models? We'll never know, but we can still pick them apart with armchair-quarterback ease.

My picks.

1. Ryan Anthony/Laura - The red dress deserved to win, but it's a sad day when such a blaring copycat piece doesn't get properly dished because everyone else is just so much more horrible. So referential, so incredibly referential to Gucci's fall pieces that it makes me worry about his future...last week's birdseed dress was at least innovative, but fool the judges thrice and you'll be auf'd, son. I still have bratty feelings towards Laura, but I cannot deny that she has a very on-trend eye and seems to be a capable seamstress. I predict she'll be sort of an Irina from season six - big contender, but everyone hates her.

2. Anya/Olivier - That Anya is smart. She course-corrected like a pro, and I thought the two of them made an excellent team. Olivier is still just so adorable, I'd wear his clothes if he gave them to me with that incredibly strange accent. Their look, however, I just can't figure out. What is that textile? The patterned one? It looks like some horrible jazz dance costume material, but again - every other look was just so horrific they couldn't help but come out well. I think they were head and shoulders above the weird one-shouldered green soldier mess. Lordy.

3. Josh/Julie - Poor Julie, she really is that weird girl born with a nonverbal cues shield. Josh was really nice, but you could tell he was frustrated with her and oh my gosh, how was that design ever a good idea? If there's one thing the judges hate more than handkerchief skirts, it's costume-y-ness. And honey, I don't even think Gaultier would have worn that matador getup. It didn't look designed, it looked rented - from a costume store in a bad part of town. Josh was right to go all the way and add sparkle, though...let's just hope and pray Julie gets her stuff together soon.

4. Cecilia/Danielle - What in tarnation? Why was that silhouette the most plausible that occurred to them for something on a stiltwalker? Oh I have an idea - let's make classically unflattering clothes but salvage it with detailed handwork and beading, perfect for an outdoor challenge on a twelve foot high un-model. Glad they both stayed, however, because they are quality producers so far. Thanks guys. But that was horrendous. Also, at the risk of sounding trite, holy what with the hair? I don't understand what question that look is the answer to. Bad job, Garnier Fructis or whoever it is. Igh.

5. Becky/Kimberly - You're right, Kimberly, Becky is weird. But so are Michael and Nina and Heidi and everyone else for thinking your look was anything short of weird as well. Weird, weird, weird...everyone gets a weird in this chapter. I have no words. It was so ugly, so homemade looking, so grungy in an uncool way, that it doesn't deserve a critique. Chalk it up to the awful challenge and move on.

6. Bert/Viktor - WHAT a disappointment you are, Bert...I thought you were going to be fantastic! Instead, you are a conceited, close-minded sourpuss with a terrible habit of being awful. And Viktor, how dare you not fight him to the death before letting a hideous look like that prance down the runway. What, what, what was that. There are no words for how horrific it was. It looked unfinished, it was the definition of costumey, and the vision was nonexistent. Slap on the wrist to both of you, silent treatment to Bert.

7. Bryce/Fallene - Kim Kardashian was the worst choice yet for a celebrity judge, but she hit it when she said it looked like a tutu over pajamas. And the headpiece Fallene scrapped together? Totally disconnected from the rest of the look and saloon girl-esque. Thumbs down. Also thumbs down to Bryce...you didn't have to be such a snob. She had to get through just as much scrutiny as you did to be on the show, and the judges apparently thought she was worth it. Your fall may be coming soon, prideful bottom three-dweller. But Fallene had to go, that's for certain. She needs to run along back to Colorado or California or wherever she came from and aquire some emotional armor before venturing out into the catfight world of fashion. You're sweet, you're just not ready. Run along home, now.

If you haven't watched the entire episode, catch it here.

MEMORABLE QUOTES

  "Julie, everything in life can be pleated." - Josh

"Bert, you're turning very lobster color." - Heidi

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