Three days ago, local gangs, robbers, thugs, pimps and muggers decided to lay down their weapons and adopt a new philosophy on life.
Local crime boss James Underwood said the decision was simple after they suddenly realized crime wasn’t helping the community as much as they thought it was.
“We all realized we were being total jerks,” Underwood said. “Enough is enough.”
The gang leader reported he got into gangs eighteen years ago because they showed they cared about their members and took care of them, but he has recently noticed a negative upswing of activity.
“It used to be all about love and respect, but now respect is ‘earned’ with destruction, violence and gunplay,” Underwood said, “which kind of defeated the purpose.”
Underwood declared his group would now be focused on positive actions, having recently changed its name from The AUG Express to The Benevolent Society for a Better Augusta.
“TBSBA will work on two fronts: to clean up this city and to mentor and tutor the children of the CSRA,” Underwood said.
When asked if he thought parents would trust former gang members with their children, Underwood said it would not be a problem.
“I’d hate to see something bad happen to them if they didn’t trust us with the kids.”
Desperate to keep their positions in law enforcement and avoid reassignment to post offices and crossing guard duty, local officers have taken to cracking down on other threats to Augusta.
Hephizibah High School’s MATH gang, started by a bunch of overzealous math nerds that claim they wanted to sound edgy and cool, has come under fire from Richmond County authorities, MATH gang leader Zeke Davis said.
“We just love math and during an after school meeting in a classroom, all these SWAT guys and gang officers busted in and threw us to the ground,” Davis said.
The student reported being pistol whipped by an officer after he screamed at the officers that “You can take our calculators, but you can never take our freedom.”
Richmond County investigators were quick to apologize, saying a typo by the planning department characterized the organization as a school-based meth distribution front.
However, Sgt. Jim Daniels, the officer accused of pistol whipping the student, would not apologize.
“It was just a really lame ripped-off movie reference,” Daniels said. “He got what he deserved.”
Disclaimer: As is the trend with all News Abuser columns, this is 100 percent fake. So don't get your hopes up that crime is a thing of the past. Granted, with any luck, the criminals will read this, become inspired, and call it quits.