KIRBY: No butts about us

Trendy is the last stage before tacky.


– Karl Lagerfeld


I was at the hardware store (don’t ask) standing in line ready to buy my latest emergency fix-it solution when I noticed something odd in the line in front of me.

Not one guy in it was wearing pants that fit.

Most had T-shirts that fit. Most had caps that fit and shoes that (I guess) fit. But their pants didn’t work.

It was like a parade of the old and the rumpless.

“Are they making pants different these days?” I would have asked my wife if she were ever caught dead in a hardware store.

Perhaps it’s the result of all those “relaxed fit” jeans from the ’90s and “Sansabelt” slacks from the ’60s.

But I thought something else must be going on because, in my particular line, the belts were cinching around the waists, giving their wearers a sort of duffle-bag-with-legs, drawstring appearance.

This only confirms my suspicion no one can make men’s clothes the right way anymore. Consider that the style for today’s suit jackets are about two sizes too small. I see this all the time when I watch those prime time arbiters of fashion – the commentators on sports TV talk shows.

They all look like they’re wearing little kid jackets. It doesn’t help that their collars are too tiny and their ties are too wide. I keep wanting to call them, but you know they have to know.

All this is just observation, of course, because for me it doesn’t matter. I am at that age where I know I will probably never buy another suit in my lifetime. When you’re closer to 70 than you are to 60, there is no need.

I already have have three dark ones, plus one gray. One brown. One tan and one somewhere in between. I have two blazers that will go with tan or gray slacks. None are new. Throw in 100 neckties of every color … I’m good.

I seem to have only one commitment to fashion, but I handle that with a fresh three-pack in my stocking every Christmas.

Yes, the only thing I seem to wear out is what I wear under.


HARDWARE HUMOR: This started as a visit to the hardware store, so let’s finish with these definitions.

Hose cutter – A tool used to make hoses too short.

Screwdriver – Tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

Belt sander – An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


TODAY’S JOKE: A middle-aged woman getting ready to go to the community pool for the first time this month looked in the bedroom mirror and sighed.

“I look fat and lumpy, I’m ugly and my hair’s a mess,” she told her husband sitting on the bed. “Pay me a compliment.”

He shrugged and said, “Your eyesight’s perfect.”

Funeral’s Monday.


Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or



Music by Turner: You used to only hear live music at the club

Many of my recent columns have extolled the virtues of Augusta’s incredibly vibrant and burgeoning concert scene.

Read more