A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
– Fred Allen
Early in my Augusta reporting career my Masters Week assignment was to monitor our town’s bars in search of celebrity interviews.
Things were going slowly until a call came into the City Desk that Farrah Fawcett and Telly Savalas – top stars of the mid-1970s – had both been spotted at the Man O War, the bar that was in the corner of Surrey Center.
Within minutes I was working my way through a Masters Week crowd, squinting around the dark room. In a corner, I spotted them – a pretty blonde with a lot of hair sitting next to a guy with a shaved, bald head.
They were not the TV stars, but did sort of look like them if perhaps you had a lot to drink.
Glumly I made my way back to the door, asking the bouncer/attendant if he had seen any celebrities.
“I think Curtis Strange, the golfer, was in here about an hour ago,” he said.
The week went downhill from there.
MASTERS WEEK BAR LINES: That story reminds me that there are probably a lot of men and women meeting in bars around town this week. And some of those exchanges could go like this:
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I’d rather have the money.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must’ve been given your share.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : OK, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I’m a female impersonator.
TODAY’S JOKE: The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
“Ladies,” the teacher then announced, “exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” asked the teacher.
“Is it all right,” the man asked, “if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”